this is where i hide my tears.

it is sad how when i look back at my 18 years of existence, i have nothing to my name.

well i can give you a list of all my academic achievements, my glorious GPA and my string of As on the report card. But i can’t give you anything else.

I had no childhood. I was too busy trying to get a headstart in life. I don’t remember playing like there’s no tomorrow. I don’t remember my toys and barbie dolls. I remember the cane that so mercilessly whipped me over and over again when I didn’t do well and the stacks of assessment books that await me whenever i came hone.

Now i see my teenage years flying by. Next year, i would be a young adult.  My youngest and most energetic years were spent cramming books and lecture notes. I don’t have fun moments with my friends when we didn’t think of how hard the road ahead will be.

I exist, but do I live?

coz the light in the tunnel might be a train.

When reality kicks in, all became just reedy piping that eventually dies out. dreams and promises left to languish in the dust. To say that i am a prisoner of my own home is perhaps a laughable exaggeration that is hardly rational, but the fact that i spent most of my holidays stuck in this hut is indeed true. Well, in this age of technology that is like no other,  the confluence of different electronic mediums has provided me with much pleasure and distraction, but somehow it cannot fill up the void in my heart.

<and if one day i actually start to matter, please let me know.>

Mad World

i think i found the right song to describe what i am facing….

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places
Worn out faces
Bright and early for the daily races
Going no where
Going no where
And the tears are filling up their glasses
No expression
No expression
And in my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow
No tomorrow

And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I’m dying
Are the best I’ve ever had
And I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It’s a very, very… mad world… mad world…

Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy birthday
Happy birthday
Made to feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen
Sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me
No one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what’s my lesson
Look right through me
Look right through me

A mad world. No wonder i feel i am becoming insane too.

——————————————————————————–

One thing that can absolutely move me to tears is to see the amount of courage people summon to pursue their dreams. That moment of recognition they can finally receive after putting in so much hard work.

that’s coz they make me so small and pathetic. i dun even know where i am heading. its like walking ahead with a blindfold covering my vision. i feel my friends around me and i just follow along. one whole herd of lost sheep being shoved through the rigid education system.

I won’t pray for courage to pursue my dream. I would wish for a dream.

—————————————————————————————-

the number i am obsessed with

since when is the acceptable GPA 3.85?? i demand an explanation.

now i see how i’ve grown. From being fully satisfied with a few 3.6, some 3.2 and maybe one 2.8, i have grown to accept only 3.6s and 4.0s.

Whose fault? i am still pondering.

snap

i am here to rant. there has been too much stress and tension building up inside me that i feel the need to vent it somewhere.

first, let me state a fact: i have no life. look, this is what i hv been doing for the past few months. Go to sch, come back, do homework, sleep and the cycle goes on and on. Not that i dun understand that everyone around me is going thru the same thing, but i guess ur attitude and perception of life is a determining factor. Well, i put up with it so far. i did my homework dutifully, i revise almost everyday, i tried (i really did) not to fall asleep during lessons. and guess what, my results suck. to make it worse, you hv teachers who keep going “those who scored well” blah blah blah, making 90% of the class feel like total losers. (pissed) and demanding parents dun help at all. they should understand that beyond primary sch, scoring full marks for math is virtually impossible. (if not for all, at least for me)

the only good thing that happened to me was i got in for Shanghai fieldtrip. was excited about it but now all i can think about is how am i going to have time to study for the exams immediately after june hols. my entire june hols is gone. CO camp, then shanghai trip, then one day after coming back, IMUN. CCA concert is end june, so that means more and more CCA full-day practices from 9-6, rehearsals etc etc. see, all gone.

last time i went out with my friends->last year dec. last time i slept before 11-> a few years back. last time i woke up after 9 in the morning->a random sunday a few weeks ago. the list is so long, there is no need to go on.

well, at least i topped the class in Chinese, but it was a huge drop from my results last year. but i can’t complain since i am already the highest. this is unfair. >.<

hopefully,  i will pull through this period of extreme stress.

dappled sky

reviving my almost dead blog. >.<

My birthday yesterday and SLI 2010 today. (: totally sapped of energy now.

Current wishes:

1. Lose weight.. (i gained 6kg)

2. Get fitter.

3. Save more money (spend less, save for iTouch)

the stress of being sec4 is seeping into our lives. friends around me are sleeping later and later, and each day we come to school looking more zombie-like than ever. Eye bags are getting more prominent, smiles less frequent, and dozing off during lesson prevalent. people talking less, complaining more. playing less, mugging more. sleeping less, chionging more. sometimes we all wonder if this is the PATH of life we have to take and sometimes we look at others and wished we were them. Quoting my friend, if we have a life now, we don’t have a future. :0 not being elitist or anything, but good grades are the minimum to achieving a good social status, reasonable material wealth, and POWER.

and decision-making is my most dreaded part of this phase of life. Deciding my subject combi for sec 3 was already hard enough. and guess what, i regretted it. haizz.  we only have 10 months before JC and i would need time to think hard about what i am going to take. and of course, what i want to be in the future. I was considering tourism/hotel management, since it is the service industry and one thing that i absolutely abhor is bad service. and inefficiency. This reminds me of the bubbletea encounter i had today, the lady was so rude. if i were her boss, i would reprimand her and probably fire her if she does it again.

okay i need to sleep. (;

<sometimes our desperation to believe that we can create something beautiful and superior causes us to willingly blind ourselves the naked, ugly truth>

smilez.

just got back all my EYA papers. did reasonably well, maybe except for chem and physics. but chem overall was fine coz of the SPA. totally saved my day. >.< this year passed really fast. can’t believe i m going to be S4 next year. scary thought. post-EYA days have been a period of pure slacking around filled with nothing-to-do kind of laziness. have been watching jap shows and reading some fanfiction, haha and watching really random Youtube videos.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 ninomiya kazunari is so cute!!!! (: Thks Zhi Tian for introducing arashi!

yayy, shall end off here.

thank you.

i am so used to be the giver that i forgot what it felt like to receive.

<can u not make me feel like i need you but not vice versa?>

maybe.

just want to get EOYs over and done with. stay strong. whoo.

draw my curtain of fear.

there is so much speaking to do these days. SS PT, Chinese PT and MPP debates. really can’t believe my MPP team made it this far. And out of the 5 teams, 3 are from RGS. awesomeness. i think i am torturing my throat. i just walk around the house like some ghost, chanting my various speeches. sometimes english sometimes chinese somemore. i dun exactly hate public speaking but i dun like it either. to me, its just another challenge of my self-confidence.  

the worst thing about the SS speech is that there is too little time. i got like tons of things to talk about but there’s only 5 minutes. aw pls, can’t they be more generous? 5 minutes is like not enough.

today was a totally hectic and tiring day. chinese and geog SAs in the morning. i fell asleep during the geog paper, but luckily i woke up after 10 minutes and still managed to finish the paper. phew. then after that was geog CES, on rural-urban migration. not exactly interesting but not sleep-inducing at least. went out for lunch at Far East with a huge bunch of 302 people (all the lucky who went home after that) then went back to school for the debate crash course with Dr Sahkar. he was quite humourous, so that was pretty fine. our own group meeting dragged till 4 plus coz we all couldn’t stop digressing. that should be the trademark of our group. (:  met Ms Wong after that regarding some speech day manpower thing, then forced myself to go for CCA which ended at 5.30pm. -.- i was so tired after that i slept throughout the whole journey home in my dad’s car. and now i m reciting my SS speech over and over again coz my oral is tomorrow. and i m really scared. stoops.

<i’m waiting for you…>